Culture as Excuse: Using Culture as a Fallback for Unprocessed Trauma
“I always thought it was just the Filipino culture”, Lisa confesses. She’s had a deep feeling of disconnect with her mother and had tried to figure it out for years. Is it just her? Her naivety about Filipino culture, her inability to respond in her native language must be the culprit. Lisa thought that maybe if she understood the culture better, she’ll realize that she was in the wrong and she can continue to love the idea of the mother she always wished she had.
I’ve written numerous articles that posits that understanding the Filipino culture, and its deep cultural nuances can bring ease within the multigenerational Filipino families navigating the Western culture. In other words, serving as a cultural whisperer, so that what is understood is not just what one is trying to say but what they actually mean.
For the most part, such clarification of meanings, intentions and love languages,have been fundamental to the recovery of disconnect and rebuilding of generational connectedness in Filipino/x families. Check out the Pinoy Love Languages Ebook here.
In this article, I will speak about a particular subgroup from which the clarification of cultural differences between American(Western) and Filipino culture may help, like watering a plant that is slightly withered away but would not be sufficient in keeping the plant healthy. This is because the root of the miscommunication may be a disruption in attachment, trauma or even unprocessed grief. Of course, these two can also be complicit with each other.
SHADOW SIDE OF THE FILIPINO CULTURE
There is no dissolution that any culture including the Filipino culture carries with it a shadow (negative) side. Research shows that there may be a link between collectivistic and deeply relational cultures to corruption and nepotism . In the Pinoy Love Language podcast episode #34, I discussed the shadow side of Kapwa.
Individualistic cultures which pride themselves with individuals who have the honed skill to self-regulate (self soothe to be self-sufficient) can give a lesson or two to cultures whose self-regulation skill is co-dependent on others.
Collectivistic cultures on the other hand, who emphasize interdependence, the symbiotic care of exchange that occurs within an ecosystem of connection can give the westernized peoples a dose of this medicine.
Any feature in the extreme causes the shadow side of the culture. Self-regulation with the lack of nuance to coregulate (seek others for comfort) which is your biological and primal psychological need can lead to detachment or inflated ego (a moral, righteous self). A unbalanced seeking for others without the ability to self-regulate may lead to enmeshment
( unclear boundaries & muddied sense of self), and an inflated ego from a self-sacrificial, victimhood lens.
To sparse between culture with personal trauma and long-standing grief is daunting, for culture can be used as a mask, a temporary relief for a hurt too much to bear or take a glimpse at. When your mother can’t explain herself, she can use culture as a gateway to explain- that she cannot and isn’t willing to look at.
Culture is a better escape route.
PURPOSE OF CULTURE
Across cultures, fairy tales and mythologies have attempted to explain human dilemmas from the life cycle of birth to death and everything in between.
The story of Hansel and Gretel reveals the side of the mother who sends her children into the dark abyss (forest) rather than a mother who draws her children close to her bosom. And yes, it is the mother rather than the step-mother; this story has evolved to give it a softer punch in the gut for the mother archetype.
In many folk stories in the Philippines, it is advised that if you get lost in the underworld ( dark pit, nightmare, mysterious world) that you must not be weary and eat the black rice offered by the Enkantos (enchanted beings) lest you become one of them.The black rice might reminded me of the mythology of Poseidon, except that she was enticed to consume the pomegranate so that she can’t fully return from the underworld.
In this realm, these stories serve like pathways of humanity, a guide where to trek and warn you of forbidden short-cuts and trails. It also reveals the shadow side of humanity, your tendency for jealousy, hate, war, cut-throat moves to elevate yourself at the expense of others.
We all have them and if you can recognize that you shouldn’t kill your brother so you excel in your profession, these stories have permeated within your psyche. Stories in the Bible, Torah, Quran and other sacred books tell and warn us of similar dilemmas.
Another purpose of culture is a sense of shared identity, that when you see the Philippine flag hung onto a car’s front view mirror, you connect with it. Or, when you see someone wearing a jersey shirt of your favorite basketball team, you identify with it. It becomes easier to talk to someone who you know you have something in common with or it’s possible that the mere presence of someone you identify with can make you feel more at ease.
Traditions, rituals and ceremonies in many cultures revive in the sensorial experience what is most valuable to a group of people. Japanese culture has their tea ceremony called chanoyu, where tea sharing is an experience of beauty and art. The ceremony values the spirit of harmony, respect, purity and solitude. In the Filipino culture, lent is a special time to give dramatics to the passion of Christ. Filipinos may visit seven churches (Bisita Iglesia) to recite the Stages of the Cross, practice fasting, or chant the Pabasa continuously from Monday to Good Friday. Such rituals reignite the Filipino values of faith, persistence during suffering and connection to a Higher Source.
Culture gives humanity a framework so that our shadows (negative) and the light side of our personhood can be contained in a way that we can all live together and not be in constant war with each other.
It’s like being an artist but having a canvas so that your paint isn’t spread out everywhere. When culture does an adequate job, it gives the artist a canvas but allows him the freedom to be the type of artist he wants to be. On the opposite end, rigidity in cultural expectations, dictate to the artist what his art should look like. In loose cultures, that is, cultures that are more individualistic, and have less rules to follow, a canvas is not firmly reinforced, so anyone can splatter their paint everywhere. This gives the artist license to call any splatter of paint, his art, even if that was not his original intent or it trapples onto someone else’s masterpiece.
My proposal, of course, is a culture where the protection of rituals and ceremonies exist to allow each individual to be her own artist.
CULTURAL SHIFT DUE TO SOCIAL MEDIA
The research of Jonathan Haidt gives us data on the impact of social media on our children, our mental health, and his thesis that it has become a threat to democracy.
Social media dismantles culture because it doesn’t give conversations and cultural expression its space to explain its nuances. In truth, nothing is everything and everyone is not each one. This is a lesson, we must teach ourselves and our children.
It’s never all Titas or all Filipino Moms and even if you know this, the constant reminder from social media posts make you see what it wants you to look for. And, what we aim to see, you will find, is called the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon. The belief that something is more prevalent because you keep seeing it more often is called confirmation bias. Part of my work in this platform is sharing the Filipino/x cultural nuances, adding pages to a book where only a few chapters are collectively shared by others lest you think that what you often hear is the complete story.
In the work of Santos, et al (2017), showed that individualistic practices are increasing around the world, even for already individualistic cultures by nature (or by nurture). Shared experience used to be shared by many. Imagine a first day in your class, you will observe, look around, check to see whose eyeballs connect with yours. You might start a conversation or simply exchange with a smile, an invitation to connect. If you find an inviting smile, you might draw yourself in to that other person. You will begin to talk about things that you have in common, pursuing topics with depth as your friendship deepens. There are a lot of nuances to be learned in this dynamic. One that is skimped over in social media.
Social media has changed how we humans interact. The ability to enter and leave a group because you like or dislike a few characters put together on your screen (text) or an image shared can bring about a collective shared meaning to a few small groups who think the world thinks the way they think.
On a positive note, social media platforms give you a chance to be heard and validated. A chance to remind you, you have not gone crazy. This is understandable. I have written an article called, Loving The Toxic Filipino Mom from that same thread. The problem with social media is the irritation of the problem without yet a proposal for its remedy. Validating feelings for the purpose of only validating it is like asking someone to see their wounds so that you can show them yours, others, theirs. When do the wounds begin it’s healing?
IS IT MY TRAUMA OR MY CULTURE
The process of immigration changes the life force of a person. Imagine uprooting a mango tree to a cooler place where there aren’t groves of other mangoes; instead, there are apple orchards and pine trees.
I postulate that Filipinos are generally more co-regulators which means they find soothing and comfort being in the presence of others. This doesn’t mean that they have no ability to self-regulate (self soothe) but cultural environment and conditions have tended to their roots similar to that of a mango grove. The next tree to rely on is usually closer to them than in orchards.
In the process of immigration, the immigrant leaves her emotional resources in the motherland, meaning: friends, places, aroma of comfort, church, and many more. Alas, we now have the technology to see each other thousands of miles away. And, certainly, such emotional resources can be built back up, except that, for many immigrants, hustling to get their footing in the land of greener pasture becomes the mission.
Such depletion of emotional resources become less attractive to build up especially when the immigrant begins to accumulate resources from without: a car, nice home, a reliable paycheck.
When a child arrives, the immigrant is pleased that he has built a home and a future. He works two shifts, and a side hustle to pay for a fat mortgage, what else could a child wish for?
Some immigrants find friends to invite over to their child’s first birthday celebration, or have coworker friends to tsismis life with. It’s true that some immigrants are able to build up their emotional resources just enough. Even with this, the culture in America entails constant productivity, and people who want to be there for you may find it hard to find the time they wish they had more of.
Parenting can remind the immigrant of these depleted emotional resources. Often, it may not be conscious but the manifestations of stress, anxiety, or overwhelm serves as the symptom. When the immigrant has unprocessed trauma or deep-seated negative imprints (not traumatic but negative stories about themselves) tied up with an unfilled bucket of emotional resources, the child can either be an inspiration for healing or a burden to carry.
When the child is a burden, she may be well-provided for, well-fed but emotionally hungry. She may grow up appeasing her parents but find that they are un-appeased. She needs to keep doing more, being more, having more. She becomes depleted because the thirst of her immigrant parents were quenched from her own bountiful cup.
Is this just being Filipino?
In general, Asian parents value education and linear progression of skill building in their children. Perseverance and cooperation are value systems embraced in these cultures. Every culture based on their geographical position, history and socio-political background decides which skills are more important to hone in their people, and which values and beliefs to emphasize or not.
To name a few, Filipinos emphasize the value of education, respect for elders, cooperation, and perseverance. The farmers in the Philippines need not contend with the four seasons,unlike farmers from the West, who need to produce enough crops before the coming of Winter. Producing, and producing fast enough is a necessity. The farmers in the Philippines have the rainy season to prepare for, they work hard, rise early and more consistently so that a little after noon, a siesta (afternoon nap) is in order.
The culture of rest, of taking things day-by-day, of doing your best and may God take care of the rest are more indicative of the Filipino indigenous upbringing. As an immigrant myself, uprooting to America and starting from scratch made me want to get off to a good start by taking on more projects and jobs in the beginning. Contrary to the immigrant theory that Filipinos hustle and are too focused on their productivity because their immigrant parents did the same and have high standards to meet, it is not merely the immigrant who brought this to the table, but the asking of American culture. The asking to produce more, and quickly because winter (scarcity) is around the corner.
SEEING BEYOND THE MASK
Some depiction of Filipino culture you may have is from a Tita who uses culture as her fallback to give her reasons for her behavior. It can easily give you a bad taste in your mouth, can I be someone else other than Filipino or wish Tita was switched at birth?
As mentioned, every culture has its shadow side, in the Filipino culture, corruption and the use of corroborative evidence (saying that so-so thinks the same) to prove a point can be immensely irritating.
When culture is used as an excuse, it will feel disingenuous, insincere, and almost like a trance that communicates- this is just how we do it, and don’t ask questions. There are many things we do, rituals and ceremonies that are beautiful expressions in the culture, we do that because and not for nothing. The explanation may not always make sense cognitively, but offers portals for expression of self and spiritual ecstasy. It is also true that traditions are passed on and descendants may no longer be aware of the original intent of the ancestor. In this case the ancestor continues the ritual out of love and not fear.
This is the difference.
When your mom acts in service of fear: following rules and standards for the fear of being punished, doing “good” for the fear of being bad, being the “best” for the fear of being noone.
Look and attune with care on whose truly behind the culture mask, perhaps a trauma, unprocessed grief, a repressed sadness that need to be protected at all cost. Looking at oneself can be deeply painful and for some, a mask allows them to continue to live in the world.
It’s not your job to change their mask or to have them remove it, but only to know that a human heart lies beyond what you see.
With this environment, you, too, probably have learned to wear your own masks. Give yourself grace and promise me not to confuse your masks with your own beautiful face.
FINAL THOUGHTS
When immigrants use culture either as an explanation or an excuse, it can be difficult for Filipino Americans to discern which one is happening. Your cultural knowledge insecurity can get in the way. Why would you know about your Filipino culture more than your parents? It’s easy to shrug your shoulders and give way to the thought that it’s just probably the Filipino culture. You blame yourself for not knowing enough about it.
I encourage you to learn more about your culture not merely from social media posts but from reputable sources. There are deep nuances in the Filipino culture that when learned can help break the cycle of generational trauma that is caused by miscommunication. You can check out the Pinoy Love Language ebook or the Masterclass Pakikiramdam here.
Some negative imprints and trauma go beyond miscommunication, it’s probably not just culture but unprocessed emotions underneath where wearing the culture mask can serve its purpose- to mask the pain.
You can learn more about Filipino culture but also trust that you know yourself enough. No masterclass can teach you to do that and even if you begin to understand the nuances of the culture, your distrust of yourself would likely lead you to trust the other person over you.
Is it culture or their unprocessed trauma?
Is it them or your inability to trust yourself?
Roanne has been a Psychotherapist for more than 15 years. She has frequented at least 500 Filipino homes and counting. She is the author of the Ebook: 5 Pinoy Love Languages and the creator of the presentation entitled: Filipino Core Values & Considerations in Culturally Responsive Care. To access self-paced courses and other resources, enter the Kalamansi Juice Academy.
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